Speaking at the funeral of a friend or colleague

You are not family, and that is your advantage. You hold the part of their life the family never saw, and it is the part they are hungriest for.

Give them what only you have

A family knows the person at home. They often have almost no picture of the person at work, or with friends, or in the ordinary middle of a Tuesday.

Describe that. What they were like in a meeting. The running joke. What they kept on their desk. Who they helped when nobody was watching. How they answered the phone.

This is the material that makes a family say afterwards: I didn't know that. That sentence is the whole point of you being up there.

Keep it shorter than the family's

Two to three minutes. You are one of several speakers, and the register is different: you are adding a dimension, not summing up a life.

Be careful with two things

Anything the family did not know. An affectionate story about a night out is fine. A story that reveals a relationship, a debt, an illness they hid, or an opinion about a family member is not yours to introduce at a funeral. If you are unsure, ask whoever is organizing the service before the day.

Inside jokes. A reference only six people understand isolates the other hundred. If a joke needs setup, either do the setup properly or leave it out.

For a colleague

Say how long you worked together and in what capacity — the room contains people who have no idea who you are.

Then be specific about the work. Not "a valued member of the team": what they were actually good at, and a moment that showed it. People are proud of their work and their families rarely hear it described by someone who understood it.

Priya trained me. My first week, I sent a file to the entire company by mistake. She didn't laugh, she didn't tell anyone, and she showed me how to recall it. Then she said: "Right, that's your one." Eleven years later, I still hear that when something goes wrong.

Ending

Do not end with a sentiment about loss — that belongs to the family. End with them.

The office has a kettle that only she knew how to work. We've all been using the other one.

A small true detail closes better than a large sentence, and it leaves the room where you want it: thinking about the person, not about the speech.