What to write in a sympathy card
2 min read
You are holding a card, and everything you think of sounds like a greeting card. That is normal, and the way out of it is structure rather than inspiration.
A good sympathy note has three short parts and fits in four lines.
The three parts
1. Say you are sorry, and say the name.
I was so sorry to hear about Margaret.
Not "your loss." The name. It is the whole difference between a card that gets kept and one that goes in the recycling with the others.
2. Say one true thing.
About the person, if you knew them: something specific, not a virtue.
She once drove forty minutes to bring me a casserole I hadn't asked for, and then stayed to do the washing up.
About the family, if you did not:
I know how much you looked after him this last year.
One sentence. The specific detail is what makes it real — "she was a lovely woman" is true of everyone and therefore tells the family nothing.
3. Offer something, or simply be present.
I'll call next week — no need to pick up.
Or, if you are not close enough to offer:
Thinking of you all.
If you barely knew them
This is the most common case and the one people freeze on. Be honest about the distance; it is not a flaw.
I didn't know your father well, but I remember him at your wedding, talking to everyone and refusing to sit down. I'm so sorry.
A small observed detail from someone at the edge of a life is often more striking to a family than a warm sentence from someone close.
If you work with them
Keep it short and keep it human, but do not write a memo.
I'm so sorry about your mum, Anna. Don't think about work — we have it covered. Take whatever time you need.
The second sentence is the useful one. It removes a worry the person is carrying and has not mentioned.
What to avoid
- Anything beginning "at least."
- "He's in a better place," unless you know the family well and know they would want it.
- "Be strong." They are already doing something harder than you are asking for.
- Long quotations. A poem someone else wrote, filling the whole card, reads as a way of not writing anything.
Handwrite it
Even badly. A typed message on a screen scrolls away; a card in an envelope goes in a drawer and gets read again in February, which is when it does its real work.